


A Sip Of Wine

by thehiddengrace



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Established Jaehyun/Taeyong, Falling Out of Love, M/M, inventing shadows, just wanting things you can't have, keeping your hands to yourself poorly, taeyong's just trying to be a good leader, the Jaehyun/WinWin is not cheating I promise, yearning for things you shouldn't want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 04:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16381301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehiddengrace/pseuds/thehiddengrace
Summary: Jaehyun's laying on the studio floor, limbs stretched out like he's a sunning kitten, and Taeyong knows, if he would just reach out, Jaehyun would come to him. He'd pull all his limbs in and roll over and bask in Taeyong's presence.And there was a time when Taeyong would have, just because he could. He would have called Jaehyun over and left him when he got tired of him, and Jaehyun would have stayed where he'd put him.Maybe that's why Jaehyun's losing interest.





	A Sip Of Wine

Taeyong realises it on a Tuesday. 

It's during dance rehearsal; Win Win's got his hair pushed back with a pink headband he stole from Yuta's sister last time she was in Korea and he's wearing sweats, a pair that probably belongs to Johnny because they're too big and too dark and keep sliding down so everyone can see a stripe of his lower back, pale, just the right size for the palm of someone's hand.

And Jaehyun's keeping his gaze so carefully averted that it's painful, calling more attention to it than if he'd reached across the room and put his hand up Win Win's shirt, his fingers spanning Win Win's waist, made a joke and laughed about it.

Taeyong pretends he doesn't notice, how Jaehyun's angling himself towards Win Win, just slings his arm against Yuta and thinks of a time when that would have been all Jaehyun would have noticed, Taeyong's affection displaced, and he wonders if Jaehyun's finally losing interest after all these years.

Then Win Win puts his hand on Jaehyun's shoulder when everyone huddles around the dance instructor and the back of Jaehyun's neck flushes before his eyes dart towards Taeyong.

Taeyong smiles because he doesn't know what else to do. 

*

The next morning Jaehyun's bright-eyed and sweet-toned, and he wakes Taeyong up by wrapping his fingers around his wrist and holding tight. It makes his skin sweat, but he doesn't knock him loose like he usually would.

Jaehyun closes his eyes until they're half-moons, and he's smiling when Taeyong finally struggles to sit up.

"T-Y," he sings, and it's like wind, like rain, like the core of the earth, and it makes him rethink everything about yesterday, that maybe Jaehyun was just embarrassed by all of Win Win's showing skin, that he was just inventing shadows.

"T-Y," he says again, until Taeyong is pressing close, and he makes a delighted sound in the back of his throat. "The others are out in the livingroom."

"Good," Taeyong says, even though he never does this, not when the members are so close, just out of reach, any one of them liable to walk in at any moment.

"Taeyong," he says, until Taeyong's certain he can't remember anyone else.

*

Jaehyun sends text messages when Taeyong's stuck at the main office, filling out answers to a thousand different fans, silly little reminders that he's thinking of Taeyong when he should be focused on recording, hearts and stars and smiles that go on and on, trailing off the bottom of his screen. It makes him smile, small, hidden in his corner of the studio where he hopes Taeil and Doyoung won't notice.

They probably don't, because they're used to the way Jaehyun focuses on Taeyong, how he can't go long without breathing him in, even if it's just second-hand and through text messages that Taeyong never answers. They probably don't even notice the way his eyes are crossed the rest of the afternoon, the way he's never really paying attention to them, one hand on the phone in his pocket. They're used to it, overlook it.

It's not until Win Win bursts in that he wonders what they think about that, what they thought about that first time they all gathered as Rookies, little boys in too big roles, and already Jaehyun's hand was wrapped around Taeyong's as they crashed through the door. He wonders what Win Win thinks about that, how Jaehyun keeps his hands across the room in front of cameras and against Taeyong's spine the rest of the time. 

It's something that hasn't even crossed his mind since they were trainees, the way Jaehyun's just always there, buffering himself between Taeyong and everybody else.

Win Win smiles when he settles in and flips his laptop open, lazy and lopsided. "T-Y," he says, his voice lilting just like Jaehyun's, like he's practiced for hours to get the pacing just right, and it takes everything he's got not to blush.

"Win Win," he answers, as blank as he can manage, not even blinking. Johnny has always called it his dead tone, his overly-polite-no-personality tone, and he's always known better than to tell anyone that it's his uncomfortable tone.

It still makes Win Win's smile bloom, Taeyong's blandness, and he turns to his work, leaving Taeyong to wonder where he's been all afternoon.

*

Jaehyun says Taeyong's name in his sleep on the van ride home after a show, so he shushs Jaehyun like he always does, knocks his fingers against Jaehyun's ribs until he's breathing lightly.

He grabs Taeyong's fingers and wraps his hand around them, and Taeyong smiles before pulling his hand loose. It's always been like this, Jaehyun reaching out and Taeyong backing away, and yeah, he can see how that might get tiring, might make Jaehyun want something easier, someone who posts vague pictures of them holding hands on instagram.

But Jaehyun just makes a little noise of contentment in the back of his throat before sliding down in his seat and putting his head on Taeyong's shoulder where he can't knock it off subtly. It makes him sigh, exasperated, affectionate, and he goes back to checking twitter on his phone.

Mark and Haechan had been talking in the row behind them, but they settle down too; it's close to midnight and none of them are very good at late hours anymore, too used to five AM wake up calls and shoots across Seoul and sunrises.

Before he realises it, he and Jaehyun are the only ones awake, the glow of his phone blue against Jaehyun's face. He's not saying anything, but he's looking at the back of Win Win's head like Taeyong's not even there. Or maybe he thinks Taeyong's fallen asleep with his screen on again, draining his battery for the thousandth time. Or maybe he just doesn't care if Taeyong is awake.

Whatever it is, Jaehyun doesn't try to hide the look on his face, part intrigue, part confusion, part so tender it makes Taeyong ache to look at him for long, and he suddenly can't remember the last time he caught Jaehyun looking at him like that. 

*

"Where are you?" Taeyong says instead of hello.

"Hyung? Oh. I must have lost track of time." Which is something Jaehyun never did before Win Win showed up. Even if he was always late running anywhere else, he always made Taeyong a priority, always showed up early to his dorm. 

"What are you doing?" Even though he knows the answer before Jaehyun says it.

"I'm with Win Win. We're marathoning some Chinese drama. He's homesick."

"Oh."

He must check the time because suddenly, he's frantic. "I didn't realise it was so late, why didn't you call me earlier? I'll be right there." He can hear Jaehyun trying to shrug himself into his jacket and Win Win talking in the background. 

"No," Taeyong says. "Don't worry about it."

"No, I'll be there in five," even though it only takes about a minute to get from Win Win's room to his. 

"No, Jaehyun. Don't worry about it. It's already late. We'll do it another day."

There's the faint click of a door closing and then Jaehyun's voice is soft. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," because he's forgotten about Jaehyun plenty of times, left him sitting in booths waiting on Taeyong to show up when he never had any intentions to. "Tomorrow?"

"I'm already on my way."

He doesn't even want to see Jaehyun now, but he lays himself back down on his bed and waits. 

*

Win Win's eyes are fever bright when he grabs Taeyong's arm, his smile a smidge too large to be real. They're filming for some reality game show, something with a scavenger hunt and a race and a mole. It isn't his favourite kind of promo, too physical, too much relying on himself instead of a team, but he always fakes it well enough.

But Win Win, he seems to be in his element. "Can I trust you?" he asks, almost breathless, consonants catching at the edges of his mouth, almost too quiet for the mic to catch. His gaze meets Taeyong's for the first time in days, doe eyes trusting; he's really too much when the cameras are on. 

"Always," Taeyong tells him, and he doesn't bother asking the same because he knows Win Win will say never. Win Win'll laugh about it later, when they're doing closing interviews, about how he was suspicious, but Taeyong's always been too blank for him to really tell when he wants to be.

"Taeyong's always the first you'd suspect," Yuta backs Win Win up. "That's why I was certain it wasn't him. Too obvious. I thought it was Doyoung; he's always willing to cut your throat," which makes Doyoung squawk in the background.

Jaehyun's the one that catches Taeyong at it, of course, and he's full of boastful swaggering for the rest of filming, the first this season to so effortlessly catch the mole on their team.

"How'd you know?" One of the hosts asks, because he'd played his part so well even the hosts thought they'd been told the wrong boy.

Jaehyun's eyes sparkle for a bit before he leans in closer to the camera. "He's never been able to hide anything from me. It's a secret power they give out in America. You have to sign a waiver before you get the shot," he laughs. 

He wonders what the host would have done if Jaehyun had told the truth, that he was so far underneath Taeyong's skin that he can see the hesitation rippling through his body even now, long after he'd betrayed them for the sake of a game. How the fans would react to him saying that he could tell when he laid his hand against Taeyong's in the break room before the show had even begun, how slow he'd been to remove it in the face of all those cameras.

"Is it true about the secret power shot?" Haechan asks Johnny on the van ride home.

"Aren't you too old for fairytales?" Doyoung snaps from the front seat.

Jaehyun's careful to keep his head pointed towards the window, but Taeyong can see the careful flick of Jaehyun's eyes towards the back of Win Win's head when he thinks no one's paying attention.

*

Jaehyun's always treated Taeyong like glass, careful hands and whispers of breath against his skin and soft words. He's certain it's because they were both so young when this started, fragile in that way teenagers lost in their first love are. But maybe that's just the way Jaehyun would be with anyone, overly generous, precautious, kind.

He backs Taeyong into corners and keeps his hands gentle on his skin and for a moment, Taeyong wishes there wasn't this show of restraint, that if this isn't who Jaehyun is, he could feel strong enough to let that barrier down.

He wonders if that's why Jaehyun's been gravitating towards Win Win, because Win Win doesn't let anyone handle him softly for more than fleeting moments caught by cameras; he's all teeth and nails and vinegar behind that too sweet face, someone who will pin you down if you look his way too long. It makes Taeyong's fingers tighten against Jaehyun's wrists, until he can feel the tendons straining underneath his hands, raw strength that people don't expect of him.

"Are you okay?" he asks, and he's almost breathless.

"I'm fine."

He rests his lips next to Taeyong's, just a breath apart. "No you're not. You're neurotic and coiled up and I think you're going to break something." Because he's never let Taeyong pretend, not for long.

"It's fine, just stress," he insists, and it makes his heart cold when Jaehyun doesn't press like he would have two years ago when they'd just debuted and instead just presses his mouth to Taeyong's again.

*

Jaehyun has always followed wherever Taeyong's decided to lead him, no matter what. The others could have said no a thousand times, and it would never mean anything to Jaehyun, he was always just a step behind. 

He wonders why he's never questioned why, why he's always just accepted it as his due. Maybe, because to an extent, Jaehyun does the same to the others, allows himself to get pulled into their gravity, centers himself with their focus. He's always been the only thing that can pull Jaehyun from Johnny's orbit, the only thing that can distract him from Taeil's intensity. He'd done the same with Hansol when they were trainees, and it's happening with Win Win now. Jaehyun imprints on people, makes them his world.

Taeyong's always been the core of it, though, the one thing he glances away from the others for.

Jaehyun's laying on the studio floor, limbs stretched out like he's a sunning kitten, and Taeyong knows, if he would just reach out, Jaehyun would come to him. He'd pull all his limbs in and roll over and bask in Taeyong's presence. And there was a time when Taeyong would have, just because he could. He would have called Jaehyun over and left him when he got tired of him, and Jaehyun would have stayed where he'd put him. 

He hasn't done that in a while, too busy watching Jaehyun, how he's grown, how he's relating to people differently now. Maybe that means he's grown a bit, too, become less selfish, but maybe that's what is pushing Jaehyun away. 

He wishes he knew what it was that's bound Jaehyun to him for so long, what's kept him so close. He wishes he could remind Jaehyun of whatever it was. 

He's thinking about being the one to reach out for once, to lay on the floor and curl up cosy and let Johnny take pictures for Jaehyun to coo over later, when Win Win bursts into the studio. "Jae-hyun-ah," he sings. 

Jaehyun makes a hum of acknowledgment, and Taeyong wants to knock Win Win away, tell him to stop bothering Jaehyun, to protect his nap, but Jaehyun's never needed anyone for that. 

"Jaehyun, you know that restaurant I was telling you about?"

And Jaehyun's already pulling his limbs back in, wiping the sleep from his face. His hair is pushed all around and he's got creases on his cheek and forehead, and if they were alone, Taeyong would trace them until they disappeared, his fingerprints lost against Jaehyun's skin. "Yeah?" and his voice is sleep rough, the way Taeyong likes it most. 

"Manager-sshi's cutting us loose early. What do you say we go?"

Jaehyun makes another hum of acknowledgment before stretching his arms out over his head and yawning. "Can't. Taeyong-hyung wants to hang out tonight."

Win Win looks a bit surprised. "Oh, you can come, too, hyung."

Jaehyun"s head whips around, like he'd forgotten Taeyong had been there when he'd gone to sleep. He looks a little embarrassed, a little unsure, but he smiles, a bit secret and a lot fond. "We have plans already."

"No," Taeyong hears himself saying all of a sudden. "Let's go." Which isn't what he meant to say, because there's not much else he'd rather miss than Jaehyun making shy eyes at Win Win and Win Win pretending to ignore them. "It'll be fun."

Win Win lights up, because Taeyong doesn't often go out with him without cameras around, with anyone really, and Jaehyun's wrapping an arm around him, and Taeyong's already regretting all of this. 

*

Win Win's got Jaehyun pressed against a wall in their studio a few days later, and Taeyong's not sure if he should say anything, if they can see where he's hiding. Jaehyun's not breaking away, even though he's bigger than Win Win, stronger than Win Win, but he looks uncomfortable, uncertain, and Taeyong's stomach is full of cold.

"What are you doing?" Taeil asks, sauntering into the rehearsal room. 

"Nothing," Win Win says, but he takes a step back, lowers his arms, graceful, like stepping away from what he wants is just a dance move he's been practicing. 

"You know Taeyong will get jealous."

"There's nothing for him to be jealous of," Jaehyun says. "He knows we're just playing."

Taeil snorts and looks like he's not even going to bother pretending to believe them; Taeyong feels a bit angry at the relief that shows in Taeil's face when he notices Taeyong in his corner, like at least now he won't be keeping secrets. 

*

Doyoung ends up writing the lyrics to the new single and it's about a love triangle, someone not letting go and someone too eager for an uncertain future and someone who wants what everybody else wants. Taeyong's partly surprised it's okayed by management, but well, it's not like this is the first time one of them's given something strange that turned out to be gold.

He just wonders when Doyoung became so observant. 

"Where did you get your inspiration?" some host asks a few days before the single drops during a pre-recorded interview.

Doyoung launches into this huge story about high school and love letters in lockers and losing forever because he hadn't been quick enough, dedicated enough, but he keeps his eyes on Taeyong. He wonders if the camera picks up on that, if the fans will notice or just think Doyoung's focused on the past, what he could have done differently to keep the girl of his dreams.

"This is a bit of departure for NCT, isn't it?" she asks, looking at the teleprompter for the next question. 

"We're growing up," Mark says, and his eyes are fever-bright. "It's time for our fans to know that we're real people, too. We want to show them who we really are, who we used to be." Which is a pretty speech Mark's memorized, but Doyoung didn't even go to high school, too busy with a tutor and SM lessons to bother showing up.

Jaehyun's been quiet since Doyoung presented them with the lyrics, a bit withdrawn, careful to keep his eyes and fingers to himself. Taeyong doesn't like it, how he shifts away whenever Taeyong settles down next to him, hyper-aware of his location in regards to everyone else's. 

He can't remember ever being this removed from Jaehyun, not since Jaehyun had spotted him in a crowded room of trainees and leeched on, not since that first sleepover, so many trainees piled in one dorm room, sleeping bags spread out. His eyes had been shy, but that had been the first time hevd held Taeyong's hand, a bit sweaty, a bit desperate, a bit like he was planning on holding on forever. 

"Your part is intense, Taeyong-ah," the interviewer says, opening the floor for his own pretty speech that he's memorised. It _is_ an intense part, lots of feelings and four syllable words that trip over one another and regret at not acting. It's true to life and everything he's feeling wrapped up so nicely, so, Taeyong keeps his mouth stretched in a smile and raps the parts that Doyoung's written for him and does his best to keep his eyes pointed at the camera. 

*

It's their last day off before promotions begin, but not really, because they're going to all guest on Night Night, countdown to the single release. Everyone's napping beforehand, bodies spread around the dorm, and the quiet is nice, even though he knows it can't possibly last long. He's sitting on the couch, trying to catch his breath and answer mails even though Manager-sshi pointed him towards his bed an hour ago. 

Jaehyun comes to find him, slides down on the couch and sprawls all over Taeyong but it's full of hesitation, like he's forgotten all the easy ways their bodies slot together. He takes Taeyong's phone once Taeyong's completely under him and Taeyong watches him try at his password until it's going to be hours until Taeyong can unlock it; it's an effective way to make sure his attention stays on Jaehyun. "What's wrong?" Jaehyun finally asks, his tone low so the others won't hear and wake up. "You've been... thoughtful." And only Jaehyun could make that sound like something suspicious. 

"Just tired." 

"Then go sleep."

But he can't. He can't watch Jaehyun wander off to his room that he saw Win Win follow Haechan into earlier, not now. "No. Let's stay here." It's the closest they've been in weeks, ever since they'd read the lyrics to the new single. Taeyong laces his fingers through Jaehyun's belt loops and holds tight, breathes easier than he can remember in much too long.

Jaehyun looks surprised that Taeyong's suggested it, that he's not pulling back, pushing him away. That's not how it's ever worked before and he wonders if Jaehyun can feel the desperation in his embrace.

*

The stage is too dark, and Taeyong can _feel_ the audience screaming, deep in his chest, counter balancing the thunder of his heart. Everyone is rustling around him, eager for the music to start, for all of this to really begin. 

"Forever?" Johnny says as the countdown starts in their earpieces and everyone is moving into place, some silly little thing they used to do as rookies, when the world was spread out and they all thought that they were going to be together until the end of time, before anyone had ever even thought of leaving. Everyone chants softly as the counter gets closer to zero.

Jaehyun grabs Taeyong's hand at the last moment, his thumb resting in the hollow of Taeyong's wrist, and his eyes are just a gleam in the darkness. "Forever?" he repeats, and Taeyong know he means something different from what Johnny and the others were promising, just like he always has. 

Taeyong breathes _yes_ just as the lights come up, and Jaehyun's still reaching out for him. He holds his arm there until the beat begins and twirls back towards Win Win like it's always been part of the dance. 

*

(Forever is a long time, and Jaehyun might have meant it when he first promised, but maybe he'd been too young to realise what _forever_ might really entail. 

Taeyong'll take what he can get until Jaehyun decides forever isn't what he meant.)


End file.
